In about a month, I’m going to do an 5k (3.1 mile) open water swim.
This would have been nothing for me years ago. There would be no Speedophobia, a little-known but severe disability whereby former swimmers fear shoe-horning themselves into suits clearly made for third graders and walking about, OUTSIDE, in front of PEOPLE, assured that they do, in fact, resemble a Jimmy Dean product.
But that was then. This is now. And this is an opportunity for everyone.
I have good friends, friends who like to see me do stupid stuff. So here’s a challenge for you, as I prepare to overcome Speedophobia (or at least live with it) and swim the longest official open water swim I have ever done.
What you may not know is that I SUCK at fundraising. Guys, I’m in LAST PLACE on the new development team HopeSprings formed. You know that this is not acceptable (note: for those friends reading this now, I won’t say names ScottJeffSandee, but for those who would relish seeing me end up in last place, read on because this is worth it).
You may also know that I hate having my picture taken. Speedophobia and photophobia (or whatever having your pic taken is called) combine for a once in a lifetime opportunity for you.
This 3 mile swim is an opportunity for you to witness my public humiliation. Each $50 sponsorship entitles you to a ridiculous picture of me–head shot only; we don’t need to cause great civil unrest–with an excellent post swim hairdo, with the saying of your choice posted to my forehead.
Yes, you read that correctly.
There are only a few rules. The saying has to be clean and not offensive judged by my standards, but otherwise can ridicule or make fun of me in any fashion you see fit. For instance, “Kathleen Listens to Barry Manilow” would not only be humiliating, but it would also be true. However, I will not hold strictly to truth as a standard for the sayings. For instance, you could demand that I wear “Apostrophes SUCK” plastered on my head. This is not only FALSE, apostrophes ROCK, but you can pull it out anytime I correct your punctuation.
I will post the photo on Facebook, and you will have a copy for framing, re-posting or any other method of posterity you choose. I will not assert a claim of copyright to these works of art.
So you see, there is something for everyone here. For those who want to sponsor me out of the goodness of their heart, here is your opportunity. For those who wish to see me humiliated, you get something too.
Sponsor me here. Then email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) the saying of your choice.
Help me win at fundraising and otherwise lose in the game of life.